My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Randomize
