New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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