everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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