I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
