apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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