So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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