She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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