Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
