id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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