i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
