Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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