cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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