Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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