At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
