If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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