you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
