my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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