my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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