I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
