He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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