He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
