I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
