I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
