He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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