Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
