So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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