So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize