I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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