He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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