umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
