How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
