I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
