In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
