well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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