After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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