she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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