Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
