We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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