paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This is my gift to your gina
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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