I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
