She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
