I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
