I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
