weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
