That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
