Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
