Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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