Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
