So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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