Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
