how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
