Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
