Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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