my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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