It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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