Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we're making bets on your personal life
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Can I color on your dick again?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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