A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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