The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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