The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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