the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
