dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
